“It’s hard to fight an enemy who has an outpost in your head.” – Sally Kempton
Imagine with me, if you will: You’re at work. You are minding your own business, typing away at your keyboard, finalizing those reports or finishing up that project. It’s actually been a productive day, and you’ve accomplished a lot. It’s something to be proud of! Perhaps you’ll be put in the running for that promotion, or any form of recognition. Suddenly, you hear a small, dark voice purring in your ear: “You don’t deserve that.” What? Who said that? You turn, but no one is there. You try to focus on your work. “You’re not good enough.” Excuse me? Still no one. You look at your screen and now the words are blurred, you can’t focus. All you can see are the words forming in your head from that tiny little voice, except it’s getting louder with every passing thought. You’re frozen, paralyzed by the venom of that little voice. You shake your head to clear it away…but it’s too late. You’re spiraling.
How many times has that happened to you? For me, it’s happened countless times. It’s a daily occurrence. Sometimes multiple times a day. I try to push forward, but that voice follows me around everywhere. It’s frustrating. It’s annoying.
Sometimes the voice is that of my parents. Sometimes it’s of my coworkers or my boss. Other times it’s my wife and kids. The worst and most common, however, is when it’s my own voice.
“You’re not good enough.”
“You don’t deserve this,” or even “You DO deserve this.”
“They’re all better off without you.”
“You make no difference.”
“No one will care if you disappear.”
These are all things that my little voice likes to taunt me with. Dark whispers in the shadowy corners of my turmoiled brain. I push forward. I put on a brave face for everyone around me. But beneath the facade, I’m in anguish. I am trapped in my own personal hell that only I can see and hear. It’s hard to fight. Hell, it’s damn near impossible at times. Even with my loved ones assuring me that the voices are lying to me, more cracks are revealed and exploited. I can’t stop myself from spiraling.
So how does one fight against an enemy like that? An adversary of one’s own creation, made to mimic the darkest parts of the soul. How can you combat it, or even better yet, defeat it once and for all?
The answer? I don’t know.
Some use religion. I used to be one of those people. I relied heavily on God and his church to keep me uplifted. I would drown out the voices with praise and worship and prayer. Unfortunately, I have spiraled to a point where even that doesn’t help. I am unsure of my standing with God…and sometimes my voice even takes on His visage when it torments me. But for others, religion or God is a powerful weapon against the darkness.
Other options might include therapy, visiting with friends, exercising, trying a new hobby, cleaning the house. All of these can help keep the voices at bay. But ultimately, these are all only temporary fixes. Because the voices always find another corner to invade. I have created my own personal villain. An enemy with such cunning and strength, and it hides away in my mind and soul where no one can reach it.
I don’t know how to defeat it. All I know is I must keep fighting it…because no one else can.
“So what now, Jack Sparrow? Are we to be two immortals locked in an epic battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound?” – Captain Barbosa, Pirates of the Caribbean
I encourage you, my weary warriors, don’t give up. We fight the monsters so others don’t have to. I know the battle is long and grueling and exhausting. But we must keep them at bay. The voices lie to us constantly…but that’s all they are: lies. The shadows see your strength, and they fear you for it. They will do anything, say anything, to weaken you.
Don’t let them.
You are worthy.
You are loved.
You are seen.
You are not alone.
The Weary Warrior 